Somehow reading deep things always makes me want to write deep things. Perhaps it's the fact that I, as the imperfect human that I am, need the reminder that life goes deeper than the mundane. Life means more than my routine, than my friends, than my family, than the fact that I can't for the life of me find any American candy in this country. My heart is more complicated than that, Praise the Lord!
It's times like these that I am thankful for the reminder that I am not a hollow, empty shell just going throughout life. I am created to think deeply, to feel deeply. I feel deep sorrow. I feel deep joy. I feel deep love. I feel deep excitement. I feel deep dread. This "deep feeling" might be the very thing I hate the most about myself, but also the thing I love the most. Usually, being the typical girl (woman?) that I am, my tear ducts are directly linked to the fact that I feel deeply. Thus, if you have known me at all in the last couple of years, you know that I am a cryer. 99% of the time I am deeply (there I go again) embarassed by this fact. Today, I find myself dwelling in that remaining 1%. That measly percent is the place where I feel the most free, the most alive, the most touched. I feel Jesus more powerfully than ever when I am content to just let it all out and cry until I have no tears left.
And yet, in the last couple of months, my heart has not operated this way. Perhaps it's the fact that I have been living in a new place, what with having graduated from college, and doing something that is completely out of the ordinary. Nothing about my life now even slightly resembles what it used to. Perhaps I just need to find things in this new life that can make me feel again. Back in Champaign, every time I heard prayer in a foreign language I would be moved to tears. Every time I heard a song of praise sung by over 20 people I would bawl my eyes out. Perhaps here, the Lord is teaching me that I can feel deep joy and love in a new place, with new people, doing new things.
Perhaps He's trying to teach me that HE, out of all of the possible things that can pull my heart strings, is unchanging. He is the same God in Colombia, Africa, and China that He is in the United States. Every time I open my Bible, His word says the same thing. He loves me the same way, and He wants me to praise Him and follow Him despite the fact that I live on a rollar coaster of these deep emotions.
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