Proof.

There have been so many times in life when all I have wanted was "proof." Proof that God exists, proof that He is who He says He is, proof that I have a purpose, proof that I am loved, proof that I am even worth loving.

My feeble human heart demands proof, but what exactly do I expect that to look like? Do I expect for some giant man to float down from the sky and say, "Lauren, here is proof. I am God and I exist." That event would no doubt give me a heart attack and make me wonder what drugs I was on.

Do I expect to hear some voice telling me that I am loved or to get a love letter signed, "I love you. P.S. I am God"?

If I did, would I even believe it? Probably not. And, just because I am told those three words - I love you - doesn't mean my sin will allow me to take those words to heart, to believe them. In fact, more often than not, I have chosen not to believe them... at least about God. I have a hard enough time wrapping my brain around the fact that He is alive, let alone that He is personal and that He loves me.

But, the fact of the matter is, I have already gotten proof. I have just chosen to forget it.

No, it hasn't come in the form I would expect (giant man + love letters), but somehow my proof has gone deeper. The fact that I can see other people's brokenness is proof. The fact that I understand my own need for a Savior is proof. My suffering is proof. My joy is proof. The fact that I am no longer the person I once was is proof...

...In reality, my life has been split into two parts. A life of death and a life of the opposite. It's hard to believe that I once thought that my pain would never end - an endless cycle of sin, of darkness, of the hardships of life - with no hope for anything more.

My freshman year of college was my last year on earth in "Life part 1". I remember that I was 18 and hostile toward pretty much everyone in my life. That year, my beloved cousin had died. I felt abandoned by my friends. My family didn't understand me. I was literally drowning in sin. I couldn't breathe when I looked at myself in the mirror - hating everything about myself, from the inside out. I was experiencing the very definition of darkness and I was in it alone - fighting a battle I knew deep down that I would eventually lose.

And yet, I was pursued. I was sought after. I couldn't do it alone and after a time, I finally understood why. I knew that I was doomed from the start, not able to do it alone because I wasn't created to. I was created to be cared for, to be loved, to be guided.

If I stop and think about it, "Life part 2" is my proof. If I really stopped and remembered all that the Lord has done for me as the Bible calls us to do time and time again, I would feel stupid for ever desiring a giant man floating down from the sky or a booming voice. Of course God exists and of course He loves me. How could I ever forget how He brought me out of a deep, dark pit and set my feet high upon a rock? How could I ever forget the indescribable joy I felt the first time I realized that I would never, ever have to walk through life alone again?

And how could I ever forget what it was like to see for the first time - to see this world as He does... to love this world as He does... to understand that I was not created for this place, but for somewhere different entirely.

The truth is, as a child of God, I am called to have faith and believe no matter how much human "proof" I am lacking. God calls for us to believe what He says without proof, no matter the cost.

Even so, out of His mercy and grace, He gives it to us anyway.


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Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

that saved a wretch like me.


I once was lost, but now I am found 


....was blind but now I see.