Seasons

Somewhere in the last two weeks, things have started to make sense again. The sun in the sky warms the deepest parts of my heart and soul, chasing away the chill that has been inside my bones for the last year. The mountains are so beautiful that they take my breath away. I believe the right things again. I know without a doubt that my God loves me.

This last year with Christ has consisted of the hardest season I have had with Him to date. I have experienced deep pain and fear, yet at the same time, numbness and emptiness. Never have I experienced so many instances in which I wait expectantly for my heart to be stirred, only to be profoundly disappointed by my own body's lack of response. Gnawing thoughts have filled my head about how much has changed in my walk with Him.

"I used to be moved by this. I used to believe this."

Profound confusion about God's character and promises bombarded my heart and mind day in and day out,  making me believe lies about our Savior - that He isn't good, that He doesn't care, that He isn't faithful. All of this only perpetuated more death, more confusion, more lies.

Yes, this last season was harder than my feeble human heart can really comprehend, yet I can fully and confidently say that I wouldn't take it back for anything. I love believing Truth again as if it is the first time I have heard it. I love learning new things, believing new things about the One who created and loves me so much - about the One who died for me. I love knowing who I am and who He is. I love believing what He did for me. I love seeing Him in my dear brothers and sisters here in Colombia. I love hearing him in each worship song we sing during chapel.

In some ways, I feel like a marathon runner after a race. I feel exhausted and worn out, completely and utterly perplexed as to what just happened to me - an out of body experience.

Was that even me running? It couldn't have been.

Oh, but it was. Paul wasn't kidding when He called this thing a race. It is an uphill battle of good and bad seasons, joy and pain.

Even though Colombia has no physical seasons to remind me of this cycle of life, I love that God has showed me the hope and growth that comes after a long winter in a different way - in my own heart. Before Christ,  I experienced death. Yet in that same heart, I can now experience Life. For it is because He saw my brokenness and took the risk of insterting Himself right into the middle of it... in order for me to Live and know Him.

It is the seasons of our walk with Him that remind us of this. How else will we be reminded that there is Light without darkness first? How else will we know that His love for us is real, unless we know without a shadow of a doubt that He was the same God in the seasons of pain that He is in the seasons of joy?

And as this Psalm of Ascent describes so perfectly, if anything else, these "seasons" remind us where we should look:

"I lift up my eyes to you, to you whose throne is in heaven.
As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master,
as the eyes of the maid look to the hand of her mistress,
so our eyes look to the Lord our God till He shows us mercy."

Psalm 123